Stir-Crazy

i've had great experiences seeing other parts of the world and learning about other cultures. i've been stretched, challenged, questioned, broken, built up, scared, protected, and given opportunities of a lifetime. never would i have imagined my life would be turning out like this - what a blessing it's been! but since i've been able to do what i've done, it seems other things are good enough... i've been realizing that normal, mediocre, day-to-day life here bores me and almost doesn't seem good enough. don't get me wrong, my life is great and i have a lot to be happy about, but it doesn't seem enough. i know there's more out there - more to see, more to experience. i want to get out there w/ arms wide open, taking it all in. i know i'm blessed to live in the States... but there's more out there than politics and the economy and power. i want more for this life, and i feel that i'll be getting more opportunities to make a difference in the one i'm living.
a few weeks ago, my parents and i were talking w/ someone about my mission experiences and the fact that i recently changed my major to Cross-Cultural missions. my mom was mentioning a trip i recently got back from and the scary, crazy things that happened while i was there. the lady said how hard it must have been for my parents while i was gone, especially for a whole semester last year. then she said something that really struck me - it almost disgusted me and made me not want to do what she said. she said "maybe if you're lucky, you'll marry some rich businessman from Jenison and be able to support missions that way". i was shocked!!! i'm sure she ment well, especially w/ my parents sitting right there, but it was almost like a shot to the heart. are you kidding me!?! how could i give up those experiences and lifetime opportunities to live a mediocre life only half happy. that's not what i want for my life at all! i've seen what it's like out there - i want to be in the midst of it, working w/ the people and being an example to them. spreading my light and sharing my love that way. who could take that away? obviously if God has other plans for me and my life, then let it be. but he's placed this passion on to my heart and i want to take hold of it and run where it leads. God has placed people in my life who have influenced my passion and furthered my desire to experience and see more. i don't know exactly what i want to do w/ my life - who i want to be when i grow up. but i do know that i want to see and do more w/ my life. i want to follow whereever God leads me. i want to shine brightly and share openly; give freely and love fully. through it all, i pray God uses me in a way that brings him all the glory and i don't regret any of it. May God's will be done.

yeay life!

in reading back over my last post, it kind of makes me laugh and smile. just thinking back to my mindset and what i was going through then, and comparing it to where i'm at now - God sure has answered my prayers!
God is good and he has blessed me w/ so much lately, i can't help but be happy and so incredibly thankful! life is good and i'm thankful to be alive! i was in Guatemala a few weeks ago and some experiences while there really put things in to perspective for me. i'm beginning to figure out some things in my life and where God is leading me. slowly but surely i'll figure this out!!! =)
in the mean time, i'm going to enjoy every minute of it!

Re-Focusing

so i've been re-focusing my life lately, especially these past few days. there are some personal things that are going on that i'm really struggling w/ and stressed about. i haven't been sleeping well and i've slowly been losing my appetite (which is almost the part that scares/worries me the most). there seems to be so much drama going on right now that i'm stuck in the middle of, and i don't know what to do. it makes it so much harder when this drama involved guys and some of my close friends. i just don't know what to do - i'm hurting one person while liking another, yet i don't know what that other person thinks. to add a fun mix to this whole situation, a good friend of mine also likes this other person. why does this have to turn in to some twisted, messed up, triangle/odd shaped configuration? i almost laugh at myself for getting this involved in this whole situation - i feel so petty going through this. am i back in middle school? no! i feel like i should be more mature and "adult" about this whole thing. i feel that i should act like a mature adult would in this type of situation, but then i feel that i can't act that way b/c a mature adult wouldn't be in this situaiton in the first place! i feel that mature adults don't have little crushes like this and petty arguments that seem rediculous the moment they begin. yet it seems to be so difficult to get out of this mess. there are bigger problems in this world - and i'm stressing about who likes who and what not?! for real! what has this come to?!? i need to re-focus my life and thoughts on God and what his will and plan are for my life. i need him at the center, the first One i run to no matter what. he needs to be my first and main priority in everything i do. i've slipped from that yet again, but i'm picking up my cross daily and stating that "yes, i do follow Him and i will do everything in my human power to please him and give him the glory, no matter what the cost".
i am a daughter of the most high King; i am a princess; i am chosen by name; i am a royal priesthood; i am victorious; i am strong; i am a conquerer; i am beloved; i am above and not below; i am the head and not the tail; i am the first and not the last; i am a winner and not a loser; i am beautiful. Praise God for who i am and for Who's i am. nothing can be greater than that. Thank you Lord, for making me me.
"you make everything glorious, and i am your's; what does that make me?" GLORIOUS AND BEAUTIFUL!
Jai Jeeshu - "victory in Jesus" (Hindi)

so here we go..... another blog for me. i'm really just starting this right now so that i can keep up w/ family. =)
it's late/early right now though, so i'm not going to post some huge, deep, discussion starting thought - plus i might not do that often anyway, so i'm not going to start now! =)
more to come...