Heavy heart

so it is w/ a heavy heart and outstretched arms that i come to you, Lord. lift me up and bring me closer to you, that i may see your glory.

Lord, i come to you. let my heart be changed, renewed. flowing from the grace, that i see in you.

i've had a really heavy heart lately - in looking back, i feel that i can pin it on when i started working at Pietro's. more and more, i'm getting the feeling that it's not the right fit for me. i haven't really even been there a whole month yet, so i'm still new, and i need the money... yet it's probably not a good thing that i dread going in to work and i don't look forward to weekends very much b/c it means i'll get my new schedule for the following week. i feel like it's robbed me of my social life (having to work in the evening) and i constantly fear other people's judgement and criticism.
i know i'm still new, so of course i won't get things perfect - but seriously, having someone complain to my manager almost every time i work?? it really seems like something goes wrong every night i work. it may not be my fault directly, but somehow i feel like i get blamed for it. it makes me want to cry b/c i was really looking forward to this job and thinking that i'd be good at it - that it'd be a good fit for me. but i feel like more and more it's not good. but i need the money and i am still new, so i feel like i shouldn't give up yet.

in all honesty, the hardest thing for me there is the oppression. i can't explain it very well, except that it seems to be something spiritually dark, but i feel an uneasiness and fear most times when i walk through the door. i try to stay positive and remember to 'love them as I have loved them' - towards my customers and coworkers, but it's hard when they are constantly swearing and being vulgar. i try to remember to put on the armor of God daily as i walk in; remember that i don't have to do the same things as them in order to be a good worker. sadly, i haven't been strong. there have been a few opportunities for me to voice my faith and stick up for myself and my God, but have i? not as well as i would have liked to or as well as i feel i should have. i've made two comments about my faith.... two, out of how many?!?! i'm disappointed in myself and in my lack of faith, atleast my lack of being able to profess my faith and stand up for it. i say i want to go out in the world to stand up for God and tell others about him... but how am i supposed to do that when i can't even do it in my own backyard, right across the street from home?

there is one woman i work w/ who i get along w/ pretty well - i consider her one of my first friends there. she's an athiest. she knows i'm 'religious and crap' (as she put it...), but we don't judge eachother based on our differences. but i find myself almost down sizing/down playing my faith b/c i'm afraid of her judging me. one of her friends recently started working w/ us and i feel REALLY uneasy working w/ her. lately, it's been just the three of us working and i don't like it too much. the new girl (kind of funny coming from me b/c i'm still new too!!) just rubs me the wrong way and i feel like she's constantly judging me and talking behind my back or something.

i just feel really down and stressed about the whole thing - it makes me think that it's not for me and i shouldn't risk myself for it at all, but yet i think that i shouldn't give up so quickly. i'm usually not one to automatically think like this - but i think i can pin it back to when i first started working there, my health hasn't been the greatest... mainly, i constantly get dizzy, lightheaded, and feel like i'm going to pass out. it could just be b/c my body is still getting used to a different schedule - not eating when i'm used to, not sleeping normal hours like i'm used to, etc... that could VERY EASILY be it, but yet part of me thinks that it could be more than just that... but then again, this could just be me overreacting to something that doesn't even connect. but it still makes me think.

at this point, i don't know what to do. i have to keep praying about it and trying to give it to God. i could really use prayers on this whole thing - that i can stick up for myself and my God; not get down when something doesn't go right at work; and that God will show me the way.

lately God has really pressed it upon my heart that nothing is certain. we truly have no idea what the future holds and what will happen tomorrow. it breaks my heart to see all the stories in the paper of accidents where young people have died - someone was distracted, someone didn't see the stop sign, someone was drunk, someone was on their cell phone, the list goes on, and b/c of that list, multiple people have been injured, even killed. this past week a young woman and her 6 week old baby were killed. 6 WEEKS OLD!! that precious child will never know the joys and pains of growing up, as a matter of fact, neither will that young mother. it seems like more and more teens are dying in accidents. it's so sad! their tomorrow is never certain.
the main thing that God has been showing me is that you never know what tomorrow brings, so don't let it slip away. "live like there's no tomorrow" - tell those you love that you love them b/c you never know if you'll ever get that chance again. it has become a habit in my family to say "bye, love you" as we hang up the phone. that way, the last thing we said to that person was that we love them. that's something that i don't think is done often enough.
i was recently talking to my boyfriend about his mom - he's been away from home for two years and his mother misses him immensely. he barely gets to talk to her and when he does, it's not very long and usually through email. we don't know what our future holds; we have to take advantage of the life we have now and live it to the full!
i've been trying to incorporate that in my daily life lately - i haven't really been working much this summer, so it's given me time to hang out w/ my family more; i've been able to go out to lunch w/ my mom and sisters more, play w/ my nephews and go to the zoo, go to my Aunt's and hang out w/ my cousins all day. i want to be able to do these things while i still can, before it's too late and everything is taken away from me! God has blessed me w/ so much in life, i don't want to lose it or have Him take it away from me w/o enjoying it. i want to live my life free, happy, and not regret things or wish i had done it differently.
although, it seems the things that i'm most afraid of losing, i hold on to them so tightly, that i feel like they'll still slip through my fingers if i'm not careful. i'm afraid that if i care too much, i'll push it away and lose everything. it's hard to love w/o fear. even though i want to be brave, live my life to the fullest and not look back, i'm still fearful and at times feel like i'm walking on eggshells. i need to stay strong in the Lord, lean on Him, and give it all up to Him - he will provide and care for me.

God's will be done! Lord be w/ me!