so it is w/ a heavy heart and outstretched arms that i come to you, Lord. lift me up and bring me closer to you, that i may see your glory.
Lord, i come to you. let my heart be changed, renewed. flowing from the grace, that i see in you.i've had a really heavy heart lately - in looking back, i feel that i can pin it on when i started working at Pietro's. more and more, i'm getting the feeling that it's not the right fit for me. i haven't really even been there a whole month yet, so i'm still new, and i need the money... yet it's probably not a good thing that i dread going in to work and i don't look forward to weekends very much b/c it means i'll get my new schedule for the following week. i feel like it's robbed me of my social life (having to work in the evening) and i constantly fear other people's judgement and criticism.
i know i'm still new, so of course i won't get things perfect - but seriously, having someone complain to my manager almost every time i work?? it really seems like something goes wrong every night i work. it may not be my fault directly, but somehow i feel like i get blamed for it. it makes me want to cry b/c i was really looking forward to this job and thinking that i'd be good at it - that it'd be a good fit for me. but i feel like more and more it's not good. but i need the money and i am still new, so i feel like i shouldn't give up yet.
in all honesty, the hardest thing for me there is the oppression. i can't explain it very well, except that it seems to be something spiritually dark, but i feel an uneasiness and fear most times when i walk through the door. i try to stay positive and remember to 'love them as I have loved them' - towards my customers and coworkers, but it's hard when they are constantly swearing and being vulgar. i try to remember to put on the armor of God daily as i walk in; remember that i don't have to do the same things as them in order to be a good worker. sadly, i haven't been strong. there have been a few opportunities for me to voice my faith and stick up for myself and my God, but have i? not as well as i would have liked to or as well as i feel i should have. i've made two comments about my faith.... two, out of how many?!?! i'm disappointed in myself and in my lack of faith, atleast my lack of being able to profess my faith and stand up for it. i say i want to go out in the world to stand up for God and tell others about him... but how am i supposed to do that when i can't even do it in my own backyard, right across the street from home?
there is one woman i work w/ who i get along w/ pretty well - i consider her one of my first friends there. she's an athiest. she knows i'm 'religious and crap' (as she put it...), but we don't judge eachother based on our differences. but i find myself almost down sizing/down playing my faith b/c i'm afraid of her judging me. one of her friends recently started working w/ us and i feel REALLY uneasy working w/ her. lately, it's been just the three of us working and i don't like it too much. the new girl (kind of funny coming from me b/c i'm still new too!!) just rubs me the wrong way and i feel like she's constantly judging me and talking behind my back or something.
i just feel really down and stressed about the whole thing - it makes me think that it's not for me and i shouldn't risk myself for it at all, but yet i think that i shouldn't give up so quickly. i'm usually not one to automatically think like this - but i think i can pin it back to when i first started working there, my health hasn't been the greatest... mainly, i constantly get dizzy, lightheaded, and feel like i'm going to pass out. it could just be b/c my body is still getting used to a different schedule - not eating when i'm used to, not sleeping normal hours like i'm used to, etc... that could VERY EASILY be it, but yet part of me thinks that it could be more than just that... but then again, this could just be me overreacting to something that doesn't even connect. but it still makes me think.
at this point, i don't know what to do. i have to keep praying about it and trying to give it to God. i could really use prayers on this whole thing - that i can stick up for myself and my God; not get down when something doesn't go right at work; and that God will show me the way.
