life as i know it!

so..... it's been a REALLY REALLY long time since i've posted, so i'm updating on my life as of late.

i'm still waiting for my visa from Brazil, so in the meantime i'm working and hanging out w/ family and friends as much as possible. i've taken the semester off from Kuyper since i'm done w/ all my regular classes. right now, it's my plan to go to Brazil in January, for second semester. but so far i've been realizing how much my plans aren't God's plans - his timing is different, yet better than mine! so, we'll see what God thinks about my timing on this one too. =)

also, i applied for a graduate program through Grand Valley... i'm hoping to hear back from them sometime this week.

i'm working more hours at Gymbo, so that's good. i also have a job interview today - hopefully that goes well! until next time......

Father God give me strength. all these doubts and fears fill my mind and consume my thoughts. guide me and lead me to do your will. give me peace and strength to continue down your path. i don't know what to expect or what to think; i can't do this on my own, Lord. i need you by my side everyday of my life.

My life is in your hands; my heart is in your keeping. I'm never without hope, not when my future is with you. My life is in your hands and though I may not see clearly, I will lift my voice and sing cause your love does amazing thing. Lord, I know, my life is in your hands.

help me remember that daily, Lord. that's the only way we can survive.

i surrender

I'm givin you my heart, and all that is within
I lay it all down for the sake of you, my King
I'm givin you me dreams, I'm layin down my rights
I'm givin up my heart for the promise of new life

(Chorus)
And I surrender all to you, all to you
And I surrender all to you, Lord, all to you

I'm singin you this song, I'm waiting at the cross
And all the world holds dear, I count it all as loss
The sake of knowing you the glory of your name
To know that lasting joy in sharing in your pain

Father God - hear my cry. lift me up and show me your way. i'm lost and i'm lonely; i'm scared and i'm unsure. please guide me. i give this up to you; may your will be done. please carry me through this. i can't survive w/o you by my side.

Father God, calm this anxious heart of mine.

Heavy heart

so it is w/ a heavy heart and outstretched arms that i come to you, Lord. lift me up and bring me closer to you, that i may see your glory.

Lord, i come to you. let my heart be changed, renewed. flowing from the grace, that i see in you.

i've had a really heavy heart lately - in looking back, i feel that i can pin it on when i started working at Pietro's. more and more, i'm getting the feeling that it's not the right fit for me. i haven't really even been there a whole month yet, so i'm still new, and i need the money... yet it's probably not a good thing that i dread going in to work and i don't look forward to weekends very much b/c it means i'll get my new schedule for the following week. i feel like it's robbed me of my social life (having to work in the evening) and i constantly fear other people's judgement and criticism.
i know i'm still new, so of course i won't get things perfect - but seriously, having someone complain to my manager almost every time i work?? it really seems like something goes wrong every night i work. it may not be my fault directly, but somehow i feel like i get blamed for it. it makes me want to cry b/c i was really looking forward to this job and thinking that i'd be good at it - that it'd be a good fit for me. but i feel like more and more it's not good. but i need the money and i am still new, so i feel like i shouldn't give up yet.

in all honesty, the hardest thing for me there is the oppression. i can't explain it very well, except that it seems to be something spiritually dark, but i feel an uneasiness and fear most times when i walk through the door. i try to stay positive and remember to 'love them as I have loved them' - towards my customers and coworkers, but it's hard when they are constantly swearing and being vulgar. i try to remember to put on the armor of God daily as i walk in; remember that i don't have to do the same things as them in order to be a good worker. sadly, i haven't been strong. there have been a few opportunities for me to voice my faith and stick up for myself and my God, but have i? not as well as i would have liked to or as well as i feel i should have. i've made two comments about my faith.... two, out of how many?!?! i'm disappointed in myself and in my lack of faith, atleast my lack of being able to profess my faith and stand up for it. i say i want to go out in the world to stand up for God and tell others about him... but how am i supposed to do that when i can't even do it in my own backyard, right across the street from home?

there is one woman i work w/ who i get along w/ pretty well - i consider her one of my first friends there. she's an athiest. she knows i'm 'religious and crap' (as she put it...), but we don't judge eachother based on our differences. but i find myself almost down sizing/down playing my faith b/c i'm afraid of her judging me. one of her friends recently started working w/ us and i feel REALLY uneasy working w/ her. lately, it's been just the three of us working and i don't like it too much. the new girl (kind of funny coming from me b/c i'm still new too!!) just rubs me the wrong way and i feel like she's constantly judging me and talking behind my back or something.

i just feel really down and stressed about the whole thing - it makes me think that it's not for me and i shouldn't risk myself for it at all, but yet i think that i shouldn't give up so quickly. i'm usually not one to automatically think like this - but i think i can pin it back to when i first started working there, my health hasn't been the greatest... mainly, i constantly get dizzy, lightheaded, and feel like i'm going to pass out. it could just be b/c my body is still getting used to a different schedule - not eating when i'm used to, not sleeping normal hours like i'm used to, etc... that could VERY EASILY be it, but yet part of me thinks that it could be more than just that... but then again, this could just be me overreacting to something that doesn't even connect. but it still makes me think.

at this point, i don't know what to do. i have to keep praying about it and trying to give it to God. i could really use prayers on this whole thing - that i can stick up for myself and my God; not get down when something doesn't go right at work; and that God will show me the way.

lately God has really pressed it upon my heart that nothing is certain. we truly have no idea what the future holds and what will happen tomorrow. it breaks my heart to see all the stories in the paper of accidents where young people have died - someone was distracted, someone didn't see the stop sign, someone was drunk, someone was on their cell phone, the list goes on, and b/c of that list, multiple people have been injured, even killed. this past week a young woman and her 6 week old baby were killed. 6 WEEKS OLD!! that precious child will never know the joys and pains of growing up, as a matter of fact, neither will that young mother. it seems like more and more teens are dying in accidents. it's so sad! their tomorrow is never certain.
the main thing that God has been showing me is that you never know what tomorrow brings, so don't let it slip away. "live like there's no tomorrow" - tell those you love that you love them b/c you never know if you'll ever get that chance again. it has become a habit in my family to say "bye, love you" as we hang up the phone. that way, the last thing we said to that person was that we love them. that's something that i don't think is done often enough.
i was recently talking to my boyfriend about his mom - he's been away from home for two years and his mother misses him immensely. he barely gets to talk to her and when he does, it's not very long and usually through email. we don't know what our future holds; we have to take advantage of the life we have now and live it to the full!
i've been trying to incorporate that in my daily life lately - i haven't really been working much this summer, so it's given me time to hang out w/ my family more; i've been able to go out to lunch w/ my mom and sisters more, play w/ my nephews and go to the zoo, go to my Aunt's and hang out w/ my cousins all day. i want to be able to do these things while i still can, before it's too late and everything is taken away from me! God has blessed me w/ so much in life, i don't want to lose it or have Him take it away from me w/o enjoying it. i want to live my life free, happy, and not regret things or wish i had done it differently.
although, it seems the things that i'm most afraid of losing, i hold on to them so tightly, that i feel like they'll still slip through my fingers if i'm not careful. i'm afraid that if i care too much, i'll push it away and lose everything. it's hard to love w/o fear. even though i want to be brave, live my life to the fullest and not look back, i'm still fearful and at times feel like i'm walking on eggshells. i need to stay strong in the Lord, lean on Him, and give it all up to Him - he will provide and care for me.

God's will be done! Lord be w/ me!

when you're gone
the pieces of my heart are missin' you
when you're gone
the face i came to know is missin', too
when you're gone
the words i need to hear
to always get me through the day
and make it okay
"i miss you"

this time of year brings up things people are thankful for and blessed w/. it especially focuses on family and loved ones. these past few years i've been realizing more and more just how blessed and fortunate i am. two years ago i was able to make dreams come true and pursue my heart through God's calling; i lost my Grandma, but i realized how amazing she was as a woman of the Lord - such a strong, able woman; i renewed my relationship w/ my dad - the years i lost b/c of my hurt and anger are washed away and i pray i can make up for that lost time; this past year i had three beautiful nephews born; i followed my heart and changed my major - i still don't know what i'll do w/ it and where i'll go, but i know God is leading me and this is his plan for me; i started dating a great guy 4.8.08 and i still can't get over how blessed i am to have him in my life. i don't mean to sound cheesy or anything, but he takes my breath away. we've been together for almost 8 months now and i like him more and more. he's taught me so much these past months and i'm so incredibly thankful for him. i'm so blessed to have him in my life - i thank God for him everyday. so far this is the best, healthiest relationship i've been in - i know i'm worth it! i usually try to not get so girly, fairytale-thinking about this b/c i don't know what the future holds, i don't know what God's plan is for either of us, but i'm just so lucky! i don't know how long we'll be together, but i'm thankful for these past 8 months and i look forward to more! he warms my heart and takes my breath away; i praise God for the blessing that he is in my life, along w/ everyone else!

Sanctity of Life

There's no one in town I know
You gave us some place to go.
I never said thank you for that.
I thought I might get one more chance.
What would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.

May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.

May angels lead you in.
So what would you think of me now,
so lucky, so strong, so proud?
I never said thank you for that,
now I'll never have a chance.

May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.

May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.

And if you were with me tonight,
I'd sing to you just one more time.
A song for a heart so big,
God wouldn't let it live.

May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.

May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.
Hear you me my friends.
On sleepless roads the sleepless go.

May angels lead you in.
May angels lead you in.

"Hear You Me", Jimmy Eat World

*last night my Great Uncle Nelson Gritter passed away. he was always encouraging and uplifting; i looked forward to the birthday cards from him and his wife every year; he was a constant positive influence on my life. i always wanted to tell him how much he meant to me in my life, but i'm not sure i ever did. now it's too late.

i don't want to live my life full of 'what if's' and 'if only's'. i want to live for the moment - breath in fresh air, smell the flowers, watch the sunsets, wish on shooting stars. i don't want to live w/ regret - i want to love unconditionally, laugh uncontrollably, live unforgettably.

i don't want to let one more day go by w/o telling those i love what they mean to me and what they've done for me in my life. life is too fragile and too sacred to let it go by unlived. live life for the moment - one step at a time; one foot in front of the other; day after day even through the darkest storms.

*Thank you to everyone who has impacted my life - i can't begin to express my gratitude. i love you all w/ all my heart and appreciate everything you have done for me. thank you for helping me become the person i am today.

love, blessings, and prayers to all.

NEVER alone

I waited for you today
But you didn't show
No no.
I needed you today
So where did you go?
You told me to call
Said you'd be there
And though I haven't seen you
Are you still there?

Chorus
I cried out with no reply
And I can't feel you by my side
So I'll hold tight to what I know
You're here and I'm never alone

And though I cannot see you
And I can't explain why
Such a deep reassurance
You've placed in my life.
We cannot separate
'Cause you're part of me.
And though you're invisible
I'll trust the unseen.
(*Never Alone* BarlowGirl)

i'm never alone - God be w/ me; lift me up and give me strength. thank you for always being w/ me and carrying me through the storms. these are your footprints beside me.

In My Arms, Plumb

Your baby blues
So full of wonder
Your Curly Que’s
Your contagious smile
And as I watch
You start to grow up
All I can do is hold you tight
Knowing

Clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

Story books
Are full of fairy-tales
Of kings and queens
And the bluest skies
My heart is torn just in knowing
You’ll someday see
The truth for lies

Clouds will rage in
Storms will race inBut you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour downWaves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

Castles they might crumble
Dreams may not come true
Cause you are never all alone
Cause I will always
Always love you

Clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms
In my arms
In my arms

*Thank You Father. i'm never alone and i'm always in your arms.
thank you, forever and always, your daughter.

I will NOT be moved!

I have been a wayward child, I have acted out, I have questioned sovereignty, and had my share of doubts, And though sometimes, my prayers feel like the mountain of the sky, the hand that holds won't let me go, and is the reason why I will stumble, I will fall down But I will not be moved I will make mistakes, I will face heartache, But I will not be moved On Christ the solid rock I stand, All other ground is sinking sand, I will not be moved Bitterness has plagued my heart, many times before, My life has been a broken glass, that I have kept restored, of all my shattered dreams, and though it seemed, that I was far too gone, my brokenness helped me to see, it's grace I'm standing on. I will stumble, I will fall down But I will not be moved I will make mistakes, I will face heartache, But I will not be moved On Christ the solid rock I stand, All other ground is sinking sand, I will not be moved And chaos in my life, has been a badge of war, and though I have been torn, I will not be moved I will make mistakes, I will face heartache, But i will not be moved On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand, I will not be moved. ("I Will Not Be Moved", Natalie Grant)
this is my plea, this is my prayer. Lord stay w/ me!

Stir-Crazy

i've had great experiences seeing other parts of the world and learning about other cultures. i've been stretched, challenged, questioned, broken, built up, scared, protected, and given opportunities of a lifetime. never would i have imagined my life would be turning out like this - what a blessing it's been! but since i've been able to do what i've done, it seems other things are good enough... i've been realizing that normal, mediocre, day-to-day life here bores me and almost doesn't seem good enough. don't get me wrong, my life is great and i have a lot to be happy about, but it doesn't seem enough. i know there's more out there - more to see, more to experience. i want to get out there w/ arms wide open, taking it all in. i know i'm blessed to live in the States... but there's more out there than politics and the economy and power. i want more for this life, and i feel that i'll be getting more opportunities to make a difference in the one i'm living.
a few weeks ago, my parents and i were talking w/ someone about my mission experiences and the fact that i recently changed my major to Cross-Cultural missions. my mom was mentioning a trip i recently got back from and the scary, crazy things that happened while i was there. the lady said how hard it must have been for my parents while i was gone, especially for a whole semester last year. then she said something that really struck me - it almost disgusted me and made me not want to do what she said. she said "maybe if you're lucky, you'll marry some rich businessman from Jenison and be able to support missions that way". i was shocked!!! i'm sure she ment well, especially w/ my parents sitting right there, but it was almost like a shot to the heart. are you kidding me!?! how could i give up those experiences and lifetime opportunities to live a mediocre life only half happy. that's not what i want for my life at all! i've seen what it's like out there - i want to be in the midst of it, working w/ the people and being an example to them. spreading my light and sharing my love that way. who could take that away? obviously if God has other plans for me and my life, then let it be. but he's placed this passion on to my heart and i want to take hold of it and run where it leads. God has placed people in my life who have influenced my passion and furthered my desire to experience and see more. i don't know exactly what i want to do w/ my life - who i want to be when i grow up. but i do know that i want to see and do more w/ my life. i want to follow whereever God leads me. i want to shine brightly and share openly; give freely and love fully. through it all, i pray God uses me in a way that brings him all the glory and i don't regret any of it. May God's will be done.

yeay life!

in reading back over my last post, it kind of makes me laugh and smile. just thinking back to my mindset and what i was going through then, and comparing it to where i'm at now - God sure has answered my prayers!
God is good and he has blessed me w/ so much lately, i can't help but be happy and so incredibly thankful! life is good and i'm thankful to be alive! i was in Guatemala a few weeks ago and some experiences while there really put things in to perspective for me. i'm beginning to figure out some things in my life and where God is leading me. slowly but surely i'll figure this out!!! =)
in the mean time, i'm going to enjoy every minute of it!

Re-Focusing

so i've been re-focusing my life lately, especially these past few days. there are some personal things that are going on that i'm really struggling w/ and stressed about. i haven't been sleeping well and i've slowly been losing my appetite (which is almost the part that scares/worries me the most). there seems to be so much drama going on right now that i'm stuck in the middle of, and i don't know what to do. it makes it so much harder when this drama involved guys and some of my close friends. i just don't know what to do - i'm hurting one person while liking another, yet i don't know what that other person thinks. to add a fun mix to this whole situation, a good friend of mine also likes this other person. why does this have to turn in to some twisted, messed up, triangle/odd shaped configuration? i almost laugh at myself for getting this involved in this whole situation - i feel so petty going through this. am i back in middle school? no! i feel like i should be more mature and "adult" about this whole thing. i feel that i should act like a mature adult would in this type of situation, but then i feel that i can't act that way b/c a mature adult wouldn't be in this situaiton in the first place! i feel that mature adults don't have little crushes like this and petty arguments that seem rediculous the moment they begin. yet it seems to be so difficult to get out of this mess. there are bigger problems in this world - and i'm stressing about who likes who and what not?! for real! what has this come to?!? i need to re-focus my life and thoughts on God and what his will and plan are for my life. i need him at the center, the first One i run to no matter what. he needs to be my first and main priority in everything i do. i've slipped from that yet again, but i'm picking up my cross daily and stating that "yes, i do follow Him and i will do everything in my human power to please him and give him the glory, no matter what the cost".
i am a daughter of the most high King; i am a princess; i am chosen by name; i am a royal priesthood; i am victorious; i am strong; i am a conquerer; i am beloved; i am above and not below; i am the head and not the tail; i am the first and not the last; i am a winner and not a loser; i am beautiful. Praise God for who i am and for Who's i am. nothing can be greater than that. Thank you Lord, for making me me.
"you make everything glorious, and i am your's; what does that make me?" GLORIOUS AND BEAUTIFUL!
Jai Jeeshu - "victory in Jesus" (Hindi)

so here we go..... another blog for me. i'm really just starting this right now so that i can keep up w/ family. =)
it's late/early right now though, so i'm not going to post some huge, deep, discussion starting thought - plus i might not do that often anyway, so i'm not going to start now! =)
more to come...