life as i know it!

so..... it's been a REALLY REALLY long time since i've posted, so i'm updating on my life as of late.

i'm still waiting for my visa from Brazil, so in the meantime i'm working and hanging out w/ family and friends as much as possible. i've taken the semester off from Kuyper since i'm done w/ all my regular classes. right now, it's my plan to go to Brazil in January, for second semester. but so far i've been realizing how much my plans aren't God's plans - his timing is different, yet better than mine! so, we'll see what God thinks about my timing on this one too. =)

also, i applied for a graduate program through Grand Valley... i'm hoping to hear back from them sometime this week.

i'm working more hours at Gymbo, so that's good. i also have a job interview today - hopefully that goes well! until next time......

Father God give me strength. all these doubts and fears fill my mind and consume my thoughts. guide me and lead me to do your will. give me peace and strength to continue down your path. i don't know what to expect or what to think; i can't do this on my own, Lord. i need you by my side everyday of my life.

My life is in your hands; my heart is in your keeping. I'm never without hope, not when my future is with you. My life is in your hands and though I may not see clearly, I will lift my voice and sing cause your love does amazing thing. Lord, I know, my life is in your hands.

help me remember that daily, Lord. that's the only way we can survive.

i surrender

I'm givin you my heart, and all that is within
I lay it all down for the sake of you, my King
I'm givin you me dreams, I'm layin down my rights
I'm givin up my heart for the promise of new life

(Chorus)
And I surrender all to you, all to you
And I surrender all to you, Lord, all to you

I'm singin you this song, I'm waiting at the cross
And all the world holds dear, I count it all as loss
The sake of knowing you the glory of your name
To know that lasting joy in sharing in your pain

Father God - hear my cry. lift me up and show me your way. i'm lost and i'm lonely; i'm scared and i'm unsure. please guide me. i give this up to you; may your will be done. please carry me through this. i can't survive w/o you by my side.

Father God, calm this anxious heart of mine.

Heavy heart

so it is w/ a heavy heart and outstretched arms that i come to you, Lord. lift me up and bring me closer to you, that i may see your glory.

Lord, i come to you. let my heart be changed, renewed. flowing from the grace, that i see in you.

i've had a really heavy heart lately - in looking back, i feel that i can pin it on when i started working at Pietro's. more and more, i'm getting the feeling that it's not the right fit for me. i haven't really even been there a whole month yet, so i'm still new, and i need the money... yet it's probably not a good thing that i dread going in to work and i don't look forward to weekends very much b/c it means i'll get my new schedule for the following week. i feel like it's robbed me of my social life (having to work in the evening) and i constantly fear other people's judgement and criticism.
i know i'm still new, so of course i won't get things perfect - but seriously, having someone complain to my manager almost every time i work?? it really seems like something goes wrong every night i work. it may not be my fault directly, but somehow i feel like i get blamed for it. it makes me want to cry b/c i was really looking forward to this job and thinking that i'd be good at it - that it'd be a good fit for me. but i feel like more and more it's not good. but i need the money and i am still new, so i feel like i shouldn't give up yet.

in all honesty, the hardest thing for me there is the oppression. i can't explain it very well, except that it seems to be something spiritually dark, but i feel an uneasiness and fear most times when i walk through the door. i try to stay positive and remember to 'love them as I have loved them' - towards my customers and coworkers, but it's hard when they are constantly swearing and being vulgar. i try to remember to put on the armor of God daily as i walk in; remember that i don't have to do the same things as them in order to be a good worker. sadly, i haven't been strong. there have been a few opportunities for me to voice my faith and stick up for myself and my God, but have i? not as well as i would have liked to or as well as i feel i should have. i've made two comments about my faith.... two, out of how many?!?! i'm disappointed in myself and in my lack of faith, atleast my lack of being able to profess my faith and stand up for it. i say i want to go out in the world to stand up for God and tell others about him... but how am i supposed to do that when i can't even do it in my own backyard, right across the street from home?

there is one woman i work w/ who i get along w/ pretty well - i consider her one of my first friends there. she's an athiest. she knows i'm 'religious and crap' (as she put it...), but we don't judge eachother based on our differences. but i find myself almost down sizing/down playing my faith b/c i'm afraid of her judging me. one of her friends recently started working w/ us and i feel REALLY uneasy working w/ her. lately, it's been just the three of us working and i don't like it too much. the new girl (kind of funny coming from me b/c i'm still new too!!) just rubs me the wrong way and i feel like she's constantly judging me and talking behind my back or something.

i just feel really down and stressed about the whole thing - it makes me think that it's not for me and i shouldn't risk myself for it at all, but yet i think that i shouldn't give up so quickly. i'm usually not one to automatically think like this - but i think i can pin it back to when i first started working there, my health hasn't been the greatest... mainly, i constantly get dizzy, lightheaded, and feel like i'm going to pass out. it could just be b/c my body is still getting used to a different schedule - not eating when i'm used to, not sleeping normal hours like i'm used to, etc... that could VERY EASILY be it, but yet part of me thinks that it could be more than just that... but then again, this could just be me overreacting to something that doesn't even connect. but it still makes me think.

at this point, i don't know what to do. i have to keep praying about it and trying to give it to God. i could really use prayers on this whole thing - that i can stick up for myself and my God; not get down when something doesn't go right at work; and that God will show me the way.

lately God has really pressed it upon my heart that nothing is certain. we truly have no idea what the future holds and what will happen tomorrow. it breaks my heart to see all the stories in the paper of accidents where young people have died - someone was distracted, someone didn't see the stop sign, someone was drunk, someone was on their cell phone, the list goes on, and b/c of that list, multiple people have been injured, even killed. this past week a young woman and her 6 week old baby were killed. 6 WEEKS OLD!! that precious child will never know the joys and pains of growing up, as a matter of fact, neither will that young mother. it seems like more and more teens are dying in accidents. it's so sad! their tomorrow is never certain.
the main thing that God has been showing me is that you never know what tomorrow brings, so don't let it slip away. "live like there's no tomorrow" - tell those you love that you love them b/c you never know if you'll ever get that chance again. it has become a habit in my family to say "bye, love you" as we hang up the phone. that way, the last thing we said to that person was that we love them. that's something that i don't think is done often enough.
i was recently talking to my boyfriend about his mom - he's been away from home for two years and his mother misses him immensely. he barely gets to talk to her and when he does, it's not very long and usually through email. we don't know what our future holds; we have to take advantage of the life we have now and live it to the full!
i've been trying to incorporate that in my daily life lately - i haven't really been working much this summer, so it's given me time to hang out w/ my family more; i've been able to go out to lunch w/ my mom and sisters more, play w/ my nephews and go to the zoo, go to my Aunt's and hang out w/ my cousins all day. i want to be able to do these things while i still can, before it's too late and everything is taken away from me! God has blessed me w/ so much in life, i don't want to lose it or have Him take it away from me w/o enjoying it. i want to live my life free, happy, and not regret things or wish i had done it differently.
although, it seems the things that i'm most afraid of losing, i hold on to them so tightly, that i feel like they'll still slip through my fingers if i'm not careful. i'm afraid that if i care too much, i'll push it away and lose everything. it's hard to love w/o fear. even though i want to be brave, live my life to the fullest and not look back, i'm still fearful and at times feel like i'm walking on eggshells. i need to stay strong in the Lord, lean on Him, and give it all up to Him - he will provide and care for me.

God's will be done! Lord be w/ me!

when you're gone
the pieces of my heart are missin' you
when you're gone
the face i came to know is missin', too
when you're gone
the words i need to hear
to always get me through the day
and make it okay
"i miss you"

this time of year brings up things people are thankful for and blessed w/. it especially focuses on family and loved ones. these past few years i've been realizing more and more just how blessed and fortunate i am. two years ago i was able to make dreams come true and pursue my heart through God's calling; i lost my Grandma, but i realized how amazing she was as a woman of the Lord - such a strong, able woman; i renewed my relationship w/ my dad - the years i lost b/c of my hurt and anger are washed away and i pray i can make up for that lost time; this past year i had three beautiful nephews born; i followed my heart and changed my major - i still don't know what i'll do w/ it and where i'll go, but i know God is leading me and this is his plan for me; i started dating a great guy 4.8.08 and i still can't get over how blessed i am to have him in my life. i don't mean to sound cheesy or anything, but he takes my breath away. we've been together for almost 8 months now and i like him more and more. he's taught me so much these past months and i'm so incredibly thankful for him. i'm so blessed to have him in my life - i thank God for him everyday. so far this is the best, healthiest relationship i've been in - i know i'm worth it! i usually try to not get so girly, fairytale-thinking about this b/c i don't know what the future holds, i don't know what God's plan is for either of us, but i'm just so lucky! i don't know how long we'll be together, but i'm thankful for these past 8 months and i look forward to more! he warms my heart and takes my breath away; i praise God for the blessing that he is in my life, along w/ everyone else!